


I Give You My All

by Richdsmadden



Category: Bodyguard (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-02 09:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16783987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Richdsmadden/pseuds/Richdsmadden
Summary: After voting in the yearly vote over whether the UK continues to send Army troops out to Afghanistan, Julia finds out some information that will change everything forever.





	1. The Beginning of it All

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic here on AO3 (ahhh, hi), and I also haven't written fic IN A WHILE. However, after jointing probably the best GC they've finally motivated me to actually write something - hehe. This while book/ fic/ whatever is dedicated to the Lavender on da moov GC because I love y'all so much. Okay, well I hope you enjoyyyyy xoxo

It was earlier than she had anticipated. The curtains were only just starting to be outlined by the rising sun as Julia took her first deep breath of the day. She knew that later she would be faced with mountains of case files eagerly awaiting her signature; files that were due for the Prime Minister; files that were due for SO15; files that were due for… she felt the oxygen swirl around her lungs for a second, and then breathed out. All the tension that had built up in a matter of seconds relaxing and dissipating into the air around her. 

She rolled over to her phone. Picking it up and checking the time, it read ’5:34’. She ignored the twenty-three text messages from Rob, the seven calls from the office, and focused on the wallpaper of her lock screen. A beautiful image of a stunning lavender plant that sat on the window sill in her kitchen. No one else knew the significance of it but her.

Smiling and putting the phone back in its place on her bedside she returned to her position in bed. She could hear him breathing. His slow intake and exhale of breath as he dreamed beside her. Now wanting to get closer she wiggled over and gently laid her arm across his stomach, careful not to be too rough as she didn’t want to wake him. He made her feel safe, wanted and surprisingly relaxed – he knew that, and every time she told him she couldn’t help but feel a warmth in her stomach as he smiled his shy and childish smile back at her. Something about this moment felt normal. Tender… right even. For the last ten years she was always caught in the limelight – whether it was warranted or not – and now she felt like she was really at the point in her life, and career, that maybe settling down was something she wanted. Gone were the days where she would spend every waking hour planning political rallies and town hall meetings. Yes, being the Home Secretary to one of the most powerful counties in the world was challenging, but at least now she could afford to retire to her bedroom earlier every once and a while.

Julia sensed a change in his breathing. He coughed slightly, and it made her smile. They had woken up together in the same bed for so long that they were both accustomed to each other’s body cues. For the first time in months Julia’s heart jumped, and not for a good reason: She had been putting off this day since the day she first fell for him. The yearly vote for the participation of the British Army in the fight in Afghanistan. Back when she first came to her position as Home Secretary she was voting with her head; she went with what seemed right to her and couldn’t care less what crap she was given by the rest of her party, and quite frankly the rest of the UK. This time, however, was different. 

He coughed again, this time stronger and Julia knew that he was close to waking up. She forced any thoughts of the vote to the back of her mind and lifted her head so that it was rested lightly on his bare chest. She felt him take in a deep inhale and then let it out.

_______________

David’s eyes fluttered open. The curtains were outlined in a golden light as he craned his neck, still stiff from sleep, to try and make a guess as to what time it was. Now relaxing back into the pillow, he brought his hand up and gently passed it over Julia’s soft brown hair. He was close enough to smell the lavender essential oil in her body moisturiser. David smiled. He thought back to the day she told him the reason why her code name was lavender – things like that seemed so far away now. 

Reaching down to the top of her head he pressed his lips against her hair as softly as he could as he was still unsure as to whether she was still asleep or not. He held his lips there for a moment; taking in the whole situation. They were at her house in a fancy borough of London with heavily armed police officers standing at the front door in the sub-zero temperatures. He smiled again, a larger one this time as he finally realised that this was exactly what he had wanted for as long as he could remember.

“How long are you going to hold your lips against my head?” Julia asked, her voice piercing the silence; he through his head back into the pillow with an audible sigh. When she turned to face him though, there was a smile puling at the corners of his lips. “What?!” she exclaimed, one hand still on his stomach and the other at her side helping her prop herself up onto her elbow.

“Good morning to you too.” David chuckled, his voice still thick with sleep and therefore making his raspy Scottish accent that bit sexier. 

Julia smiled and lifted her eyes so that they were fixed on his. They shared a moment of silence before she dropped the eye contact and giggled into his chest. David following her laugh with his own before his fingers where slowly being raked through her hair again. “You know, when you made me tea that night?” He made a hum of agreement as he closed his eyes. Julia carried on: “I would never have thought that six months later we were waking up next to each other on an almost daily basis.”

“I can leave if you want.” He suggested with a sly smile. He reached to pull back the duvet cover as she lunged to stop him.

“You do that, and I’ll get bloody Craddock to reassign you myself.” She said with more authority now. That was her perfect moment to straddle him and place her hands on either side of his neck. She sat there for a moment; taking him all in, she closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against his. “I love you.” She whispered.

David pulled away and opened his eyes. He suddenly looked more serious, and it briefly put Julia on edge. “You’ve never said that before.” He reacted as if he didn’t mean to say that out loud, as if he had accidently leaked his internal monologue. Julia looked back at him. “What’s changed?” David asked now sitting up, so he could comfortably hold his hands behind her back. 

“Noth- Nothing’s changed.” She stuttered, her hands now rested on his shoulders. It felt weird to be in a position that she suddenly had no control over. “I just, I just felt that maybe it was the right time to tell you. It’s been a few months since we-“

Their lips touched. David holding them in their positions on the bed as their lips moved. With each pull back for air it got more passionate. He was breathing her in. Everything, and yet it felt like he was suffocating. He felt like he needed to start swallowing air just so he didn’t pass out. Each second that passed more of that iconic, but soothing, smell of lavender danced into his nostrils before he couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled back away but kept her close. Their chests heaved, small smiles on both of their faces, but David could still feel the tension in Julia’s shoulders. “I love you too” he breathed. 

Julia’s eyes snapped up to meet his. The corners of her mouth firing up into her now rosy cheeks. He heard her breath catch as she pressed her lips back to his again. The kiss was soft, subtle and sweet and David smiled into her lips. “No one has said those words to me in a long time, so that meant more than you know.”

He looked at her. Took her all in. Her eyes; her hair; the way her eyes widened every time he pulled away to get a better look at her. Everything that she was, everything that she stood for and made her the woman that was sitting on his lap in the middle of a dark room in London. She was everything that he could ever ask for. “Would it be breaking protocol if I told you that more often?” 

Julia got close, her lips brushing his as she spoke. She was sitting so close to him that his chest pushed against hers as he breathed. They knew that the atmosphere was heavy, that they both wanted it but right now, Julia was taking the lead. She kissed him, hard, then softened until her lips were only just touching his. Her hands back on his neck steadying his head as his fingers drew small circles on the small of her back. “I think that we may have broken that part of protocol around six months ago.” She giggled into is neck.


	2. The Commons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia is only just realising the magnitude of her political power over the people around her...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYY, i'm sorry that this was posted so late BUTTT it's here now. Please ignore any spelling/ grammar mistakes, it's late and I miss Julia and David OKAY I HOPE YOU ENJOY!!!

“CRAP!” Julia huffed as she tried to carry her red box, two additional bags and her trench coat draped over her arm all at once as she hurried down the main hallway towards the door. “Go on without me.” She said beginning to place her bundle on the floor knowing that David was always a few paces behind her. “I’ve forgotten my-“

“SO15 classified 1/10 case file?” David answered as he reached her, his timing has always been impeccable, and for that she had never been more grateful. “I saw you’d forgotten it as I walked out behind you. You’d left it on the table where you were working on it last night; thought that you might need it.”

Julia went to take the folder but without even meaning to she let it sit in both of their hands for a moment. They were standing very close. David in his normal pressed and smart suit, his ear piece dangling across his shoulder as he wasn’t technically on duty yet, but close enough to hear if Kim needed to get his attention; Julia in a pink blouse and a navy blue suit – she looked more feminine than usual, the black and white was sterner and less inviting but David could really get behind her choice of colour. They both stood there looking at each other until, much to David’s surprise, Julia was the one to back down and drop the eye contact – something was off, and he didn’t know what it was.

“You’re more help than the majority of my aids put together you know PS Budd.” She smiled to herself as she leaned down to pick up the mountain of bags she had to carry. 

Moving by instinct, David leaned down to help pick up her coat. She paused, a questioning look in her eye but her smile still remained on her lips. Without saying anything she slit her arms into her jacket and turned to him, but he was no longer standing squarely. He was standing with her extra bags in one hand, and her red trunk in the other; the latter hand outstretched in her direction and she took it with a fond smile. Things were starting to feel domestic, right, and she was feeling happiness bubble up in her stomach rather that pure anxiety.

Leading her out to the car David followed his routine. Look left, look right, scan round again. Open the door and help her in. Slide into the front. The journey to the commons was nothing out of the ordinary. A small group of people peacefully protesting their opinions on the Brexit vote – strange to see them in such a small crowd – but today felt like it was going to be a good one. David felt happy: the morning had started well, even though his relationship with Julia was still happening in the dark to the rest of the pubic, he was beginning to feel more and more comfortable in her icy public presence. It was always weird to him how different she was behind closed doors. He was one of the lucky ones. He saw her at both ends of the spectrum: proudly giving speeches at summits over legislations that needed to be passed, and when she was at her most vulnerable. Hiding under the sheets, in the warmth, away from the rest of the dangers in the world. He smiled as he continued his security sweep of the street as Terry expertly swerved through traffic – today was different, he just didn’t know why.

_______________

The Commons was the bane of her existence. She hated everything about it, and today she was going to hate it even more. After the unscheduled tender moment, she shared with her blue-eyed PPO on the way out to the car this morning, this was going to be much harder than she had ever anticipated. “Ma’am…” Julia carried on walking. “Ma’am…” it came louder again. She huffed and turned around to see Rob sprinting towards her, she watched as David rolled his eyes as he caught up to him.

“Ma’am, Ma’am… they’re asking for you in the SO19 case brief.” Rob panted as he doubled over but kept his eyes on the home secretary.

Julia took a deep breath and pressed her lips together – she hoped that Rob saw her frustration. “If you would have done your job and checked the schedule you asked me to e-mail you twice, maybe you would have known that I was in the Commons all day for the vote. God, Rob pull yourself together, and get on with your fucking job, will you? I don’t want to have to treat you like a child – you know why you’re here, just go and bloody do it for christ’s sake.” She snapped as she watched her Aide stand up and begin to speed walk in the opposite direction. 

David suddenly came into her line of sight, he was looking over his shoulder with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips before he turned to face her. “You know earlier when you said that I’m more helpful than all of your aides?”  
“Now do you see that it really wasn’t a lie?” There was a light bit of humour in her voice, but David could sense that something was bothering her. She was holding her shoulders the same as she was that morning. Pulled back tight, full of anxiety. 

David took a step closer to her. It was close enough for them to feel each other’s company, but it was also far away enough for no one to question that anything was happening between them. He reached around and checked to make sure that his mic was fully off before he spoke. “Something’s going on-“She went to speak but he silenced her by meeting her eyes. “it’s bothering you and I just wanted you to know that I can see that. I’m not expecting you to tell me what it is right now, but when you feel ready, I’ll be there with a glass of white wine and plenty of time to hear out your problems, okay?” 

Julia couldn’t help but beam. She felt moved, and motivated, and inspired all at once and she knew that the second she walked into the commons it was all going to be ruined. She glanced at her watch and made the decision that she could spend no more than two minutes with him before she had to professionally (or not so much) sprint up the stairs and race down the corridor. “The white wine seems like a dal breaker.” She whispered as she watched him playfully roll his eyes and smile. “And, I mean, a chat with you could be-“

“Julia!” a voice called from the heavens. Both David and Julia turned around and looked up. “we’re starting”

“I’ll be right up!” she called back before she turned to dace David again, aware that they had been standing close to each other for maybe too long. “I’ll see you later sergeant.” She said with a smile.

“Good luck, ma’am.” He replied as she began to walk away. “Don’t forget PC Knowles will be out to meet you, I have a meeting up with Craddock, I will see you back at the home office.”

Julia suddenly felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. She knew that it was probably just a check in he had to have with her, they happened bimonthly, but the thought of him not being there still put her on edge.

_________

“Order! Order!” a man was shouting. 

Julia was on the verge of walking out. The vote had lasted for four hours and she would have sold her left arm for a breath of fresh air. She had been sat in the same from for more-or-less the whole morning with nothing but crappy cups of lukewarm tea and the smell of old rick sweaty men. She was dreading every second.

“The truth is, there are more civilians out there now that need our help than ever before. The Taliban was always our main priority, but now that ISIS is fighting too, I vote for us to keep sending our troops out there.” There was a roar of cheer and Julia sank deeper into her chair.

“Home Secretary, you’ve been awfully quiet. I’m surprised you’re not fighting for the mic like last year.” Roger taunted with a smarmy smile on his face. God it angered her.

Julia sighed and pushed herself up from her chair before making her way over to the box as slowly as publicly accepted. She knew she was going to hate every moment of this. Her cabinet were going to be suspicious if she started giving reasons against, the opposition would take the piss if she started talking about reasons against, and so really, she was stuck between a rock and a hard place and that made her head and her stomach churn. She took a deep breath and started talking: “We have had troops out there for over fifteen years. Think about how many men, and women, we have lost to this cause. I think that it’s time to pull out-“ There was a loud commotion building around her, and for the first time in her whole career, her paranoia and pure anxiety was starting to break down the walks that she had spent ten years building. Bloody Scotsman and his chivalrous charms she said to herself – the thought of him made her smile and gave her the boost of confidence she needed. “However!...” she had to shout over the commotion. “However, I do think that if we changed our schemes, we could deploy our soldiers more effectively; manage who we send out there, rather than send resources for no reason. If we send more skilled, better trained soldiers out, we may be able to stop these terrorist attacks before the idea even forms. If soldiers that are in the army now, not who are out of work get sent over, then I vote yes for military action in Afghanistan.”

_________

“David, come in. Thank you for coming, I know that you’re in the middle of a shift.” Craddock said as she led him into her grey, but oddly welcoming office. She was never the woman David had expected to have yellow pillows on her office sofa. “I just called you in to have a chat, you know, catch up.”

David raised an eyebrow, something was off, he could feel it. “All due respect ma’am, but we had this meeting last week on my day off.”

Craddock looked up from the paper in front of her, she studied him for a second before she gave a weak smile. “I should have known to have just started with the real reason I called you here.” David just smiled. “I have had news from the Army, they want you back.”

David looked up from his hands, that had now suddenly begun to shake. “Ma’am, i-“

“I know it’s a shock and that you had no warning, but the government have decided that they want to send out more qualified soldiers to carry out more classified missions.”

David sat there for a second, his brain screeching to a halt as he tried to process this new information. He lost hold of his cool for a second as he spiralled internally. He thought about Thornton Circus, about how his body shook as the bullets hit the metal; he thought about how Julia felt in his arms as they laid in bed that morning; he thought about all the people he had lost out in Helmand. He raised his eyes to meet Craddock’s, “The vote was meant to be in the first few months of next year. How could you have possibly known to tell me all of this.” His voice was shaking, enough for him to hear, but he was sure that Craddock was unaware of his current state of panic.  
“I called you in here because I wanted to make you aware of the situation just in case they came to a vote. I wanted to prepare you, I didn’t expect them to vote on it and come up with a plan of action all today.” 

“I have a job here, ma’am. I’m working for a high priority cabinet minister, the one that you assigned me to. Surly that’s important enough to keep me here!” he was fighting back his anger, but mainly his fear- he knew that it was starting to show.

“David, I know that this is an ideal situation, but honestly it’s out of my hands.” She waited for him to look at her, but he didn’t. His eyes were fixed on his hands – they were clutched so tightly that his knuckles were white. “Think about it, and we can talk about it next week. I’m sure these tours won’t be as long as they were last time.”

________  
The flat was dark by the time they had gotten home. During the car ride home, they had all sat in silence. Terry focused on the road as always; Julia deep in thought about how the vote went, and David questioning his future as a PPO, a soldier, a father and now a romantic partner. They were right, today really was different.

Julia had walked in, after David had called out that it was clear to enter, and instantly stopped in her tracks. He was quieter than usually. His usually emotionless and formal ‘ma’ams’ sounded dull, and she became distracted from her own problems. 

Placing the red trunk down and laid the rest of her bags around it before she proceeded to ender the room and saw him leaning against the counter top. Julia stood stationary in the dim room, the lamp on the side of the work surface the only thing illuminating the room. She thought back to their earlier conversation and decided to take a risk to pierce the silence. “Looks like you’re the one that needs the white wine.” She heard him breathe a laugh, but he didn’t turn around. “David.” He looked up but didn’t turn around to face her. “What’s wrong?”

Finally, he managed to turn and look at her. The light was casting shadows on her face, and in the dimness, she looked more stunning than ever. He felt his heart jump, a mix of seeing her standing in front of him, and the thought of not seeing her for months swam around his already overwhelmed brain. “They want me back, Julia.”

Her eyebrows pulled together as she slowly walked towards him, her arms outstretched so that they landed on his arms. “What do you mean?” she asked, she really did have no idea what was making him feel so fragile.

“The army want me back to be deployed out to Helmand again.” The room went cold. Julia felt her heart slow and the colour drain from her face. She was staring at him, even though his eyes were fixed on his hands that were now sat in hers. She wanted to ask him to repeat what he’d said but there was no point, she had heard it and now her hands had started to shake. Julia took a deep and shaky breath. David looked up and met her eyes. “I..i… I work as a PPO for one of the most powerful women in the whole of the British empire, and they want me to go out and fight… Julia, I don’t understand-“

“I’m sorry.” She breathed. It came out as more of a whimper, but she held his eye contact. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“No! No, Julia this isn’t your fault, You had nothing to do with this-“ she tried to interrupt him, but he soldiered on, even though now his fear was starting to show, his voice shaking more than she had ever heard before. It was almost strange seeing him out of his cool and collected professional manor. She knew that he was thinking about what he saw, what he lost, when he was out there, and she had to tell him, but how? 

“But why do you have to go back, you have an important job-“ 

He pushed past her and ran his hands through his hair. His earpiece tumbled onto his shoulder and he pressed his head against the wall. David was almost thankful for the darkness, he hated how he was letting everything slip in front of her. “Craddock said that they want more experienced soldiers out there to carry out more high-risk missions.”

Julia walked round to stand by him her hand now rested on his shoulder. “They can’t let you go, I won’t allow it.” It came out more of a whisper as she placed her chin on his shoulder and swallowed, her throat becoming tight with guilt. “Maybe I can get you transferred out or-“

“And what, Julia?!” he exploded. “What? Some other poor sod gets sent out there? Gets himself blown up and then never returns to his family? No, not this time! I am not letting someone else have to risk their life because I was fortunate to work for an important person like yourself.” 

He began pacing, his hand being raked through his hair over and over as Julia stood and watched, her heart slowly shattering as she watched him spiral. “You feel guilty for surviving it the first time, don’t you?” he stopped pacing and looked at her. “Guilt, I feel it to. I know how you feel-“ her voice trailed off as she looked at the way he was standing.

David had his shirt untucked, his tie loosened, and his top button undone. His hands were now shoved into his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward. He raised his eyes from his feet and looked her right in the eye. “you don’t know, Julia. You never will know how It feels to have to choose the future of a soldier’s life, and I am so thankful that you will never have to. But this is the one thing you don’t understand.”


	3. No Going Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Julia talk about how they will move on now he has to go back to Helmand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After being pestered by Bex and Meral In Lavender On Da Moov… I present to you chapter 3 (I haven't proof read because i'm a fake writer) - i'm back from hiatus surpriseeee. Anyways, we all stan some soft big Jules and PS Scottish so enjoy - this may be a little out of character, only coz @ mr Jed took them away before we could see it :( . Comments and Kudos appreciated (hehe) xoxo

Her back hurt; her neck was in pain, and she could feel the start of a migraine coming. In the amount of time she’d been sleeping in this bed, last night was by far the worst night sleep she’d had in years. Julia didn’t open her eyes, she knew that the light was going to be streaming in through the curtains she had refused to close last night. Rolling over her arm instinctively searched for him. The cover had been pulled back and the space that his body should have been in was cold. She took a deep breath and let her eyes open. She didn’t want to look at the time, she knew that there was no where to be; thank god there was no meetings at the Home Office today so she was finally allowed to work from home. 

Pulling the duvet off herself, Julia sat still on the bed; the events of yesterday still circling her mind, but she did have to admit she was thinking clearer. Her mind jumped to David as she crossed the room to a chair that was in the far corner, the place were David always placed his jacket or jumper whenever he stayed the night – it was the small things like that, that made her realise how much she missed living with someone, and how much she was doing to miss David when he went back over to Helmand. 

As she expected, a cardigan was draped over the handle. It was long and knitted, Julia instantly remembering the conversation they’d had about it over wine a few months previous. It was made of Scottish wool that his mother had made for him when he moved to London. Julia smiled as she thought of the way David had imitated his mother: ‘Now wear this son, it won’t be as cold down South, but you’ll need something to remind you of home.’  
She picked it up and held it in her hands for a moment. The soft wool instantly warming her cold hands as she stood alone in the open room in just a night dress. She brought the material to her face, it smelled of him, and she remembered how good it felt to lean against as she fell asleep on his shoulder the night of the story. The memory of that night something she would cherish for years to come as the night that had felt right – most real. The way that they were curled up on the sofa together, their arms in nots around each other, as they half paid attention to what was on television.

Wrapping it around her like a blanket, Julia headed for the door. In some strange way she was nervous to walk out of her own bedroom. She was afraid of what she was going to face because in all her years court as a criminal barrister, and all her time spent arguing with misogynistic men in the commons, nothing had prepared her for the conversation that was coming.

David was sat on the sofa facing away from the door way. His head was in his hands and his elbows propped on his knees. His hair was messy, Julia knew that he was still anxious, maybe even more than last night. She was glad for the extra time that they spent with each other: the way that she was able to pick up on his little ticks and cues that told her how he was feeling in different moments. She stood in the door frame for a moment. It wasn’t voluntary, and she wasn’t one hundred percent sure as to why she did it, but she watched him – it felt like hours until she even considered moving.

“I don’t blame you.” Julia’s eyes flicked up from where they were looking on her arm. She was certain that he had no idea that she had even left the bedroom, let alone was standing behind him. It made her feel shy, and this was something that she was not used to. Wanting to take a step forward towards him, the fact that he hadn’t looked round to face her forced her to stay at a safe distance. His voice was deep, grouchy almost, and she wasn’t sure whether it was because he was angry at her, or because he probably hadn’t slept.

Finding her drive, she took a step in his direction. Pulling the cardigan around her tighter as the chill of the room was made aware to her. It was a new situation that she had been dumped into; she felt alienated in her own home and so when she slid around the coffee table and placed herself next to him – far enough not to intrude in his unstable personal space – she felt oddly out of place. Julia turned to him: “I should have told you what the vote was for.” She didn’t look at him, they sat squarely and faced the wall in front of them. 

David sighed and then raised his head from his hands. “No,” he breathed as he stood up and began tucking in his shirt; it was something that had obviously been ingrained into his daily routine, and Julia struggled to not look at him. “I know that it’s something that you can’t release to anyone.”

“But you’re not just anyone.” She took a sharp intake of breath and winced as she heard him turn to face her – now she was the one that was avoiding his gaze.

The tension was already high, but now, now you could have cut it with a knife. David stared at her and realised that she as wearing his cardigan. A warming sensation spread across his chest, and briefly softened the hardness of his face. She looked beautiful, radiant, and it was only at that moment everything clicked into place. If he was going to be sent away; if he was going to be in the most dangerous area of the world away from her than he was going to make damn sure that he spent every moment humanly possible with her. David crossed the room and returned to the sofa, now sitting much closer to Julia than before. He placed his arm round her and instinctively she leaned her head against his chest, still looking away from him. The soft cardigan, now warmed from her body heat, felt right in his hands. Their whole situation something he had wanted for years, but he wished that it had occurred from something other than his new deployment. 

Wrapping his arms around her now he felt strangely tired. The night had been long, he had been up on the phone to multiple officers and commanders that he knew to try and get more information about what was going on. It wasn’t until three-a-m that he had finally gained some news, and it was the thing that threw him back into a tail spin. 

With Julia fully leaning against him, he placed his chin against the top of her head after kissing her hair. “tomorrow.” He said simply, shattering the silence around them. He felt her flinch and then crane her neck round so that she could look at him. “There’s nothing they can do for-“

“Let me call some-“

“Julia.” He cut her off before waiting for her to return to a comfortable position. She went back to leaning against him, his chin rested lightly on her head. “I’m going. They need us to update our training and so we’re flying out to Helmand tomorrow because the mission I have been put on is time sensitive.” 

Julia felt a lump grow in her chest, she tried to swallow but nothing was working. Her eyes burned and now she was no longer forcing herself to look away from him. At no point in their relationship had he seen her cry, she never cried, not at anything, and yet here she was on the verge and she hated herself for it. Taking a deep wavering breath, she was sure that David knew that she was upset but she fought to hide it still, she spoke: “When do you have to leave?”

“I need to be at the airport in a few hours.” He spoke softly as he tried to turn her so that she was facing him. Julia put up a fight but eventually she gave in. 

When she looked at him, he felt a wave of something that he’d never felt before. Her eyes, gassy and full of tears that were threatening to cascade down her face; the way her hair was tussled and messy, but still looked more beautiful than ever; the way that she had pulled the cuffs of his cardigan up and over her wrist to hide her shaking hands, and the way her lip trembled as she tried to avoid his eye contact. He had never seen her like this before, and although he hated that he was the reason why she was feeling this way, it felt oddly normal for her to want to cry her problems into his chest. 

Julia brought her eyes to his and then squeezed them together in emotional frustration. “How can they expect you to be ready in that amount of time? What about Vicky? What about Charlie and Ella?” she still had her eyes closed, but she brought a cuffed hand to her lips to stifle a sob. She let her bodyweight pull her, so her forehead was rested against his chest. 

Without even thinking, David’s arms pulled her closer into his body, his lips littering kisses along her temple as she silently sobbed into his chest. He felt the tears start to burn at the back of his throat, and he too pressed his eyed shut ignoring the tears that ran down his face and soaked into the wool of the cardigan on Julia’s shoulder. Swallowing multiple times to loosen his throat, he quietly spoke to her in the already cold and silent room. “Is it bad that I hadn’t even thought about them yet?” he tried to push a joke, but he knew that Julia wouldn’t respond. “It’s a special mission because I’m a specialist marksman.” He stopped because his throat had gone tight again. “It won’t be a full tour and so I’ll be home soon, don’t worry.”

Julia sat up and wiped the cuffs of the cardigan over her tear-stained cheeks, David briefly smiled as it was the rawest their relationship had got, and he liked not seeing her stern politician face for just a second. “It’s gunna be hard, you not being here.” She laughed awkwardly to cover another sob and David tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She met his eyes. She could see the tears threatening to spill down his face, but she saw the smile he was giving her, and she instantly felt grateful that they’d had this moment. “I’ll miss you.”

He laughed, the tears sliding down his cheeks before he caught one on his hand and she swiped the other away with her thumb, her hand remaining at the side of his face, cupping his strong jaw in her dainty fingers. “I thought you were going to do a big speech!”

They giggled softly together – one of the last times for a while – Julia thought. She let her thrum softly slide up and down his cheek, him now leaning into her hand as she spoke to his soft blue eyes. “I can give you a speech about how I’ll miss you leaving your clothes all over the floor; or how you always leave the milk out on the side after making your morning tea, or the sex-“

“Definitely the sex.” He chuckled, as Julia unfolded herself and rocked up so she had straddled him. Both of her hands pressed against his cheeks, forcing him to look at her, and the cardigan moving like a cape and settling over his legs. 

“I love you,” She said as she pulled away from his lips. “more than I have ever loved anyone else. I want you to know that before you leave.”

David, his hands on her waist, pulled her towards him and held her tight as he kissed her again. “I love you too.” His eyes searched hers, “and you saying that I wasn’t just anyone meant a lot.”

“Just don’t die,” she said as she pushed his shoulders, the tight feeling both returning to their chests. “You don’t know how hard it is to find an above average PPO these days.”

David laughed as he pulled her towards him again, their foreheads fitting together perfectly. More tears spilled down from his eyes, and he knew that she was the same, but without moving he took everything in. The way she felt against him; the sound of her breath in his ears; the way she drew little circles against his neck with her finger as his cheeks sat in her soft warm hands – he was leaving all of this, and only now did it feel truly real. “I won’t die if you promise me not to let the country go to shit while I’m gone.”

She laughed as she pulled away, this time they didn’t bother wiping away each other’s tears. “I’ll promise that if you promise to come back to me.”

David stared deep into her eyes, “I promise.”


	4. 4,446 Miles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a week left to go till he comes home, Julia is still struggling with him being away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYYYYLOOOOOO, I hope you all had a great Christmas!! Thank you for all the comments from the rest of the chapters - it means a lot - however, we're reaching the final two chapters (Julia is so close to seeing him again - oof my soft heart). ANYWAYS, hope ya enjoy xoxox

It was early in the morning, although he was unsure of the time. The dust was suffocating and yet he hadn’t even left the tent. Unzipping the door, he took a mouthful of the sand suspended in the air – another heavy reminder that he was missing home. His whole life he had listened to the people around him moan about the weather, it was either too hot or too cold; too sunny, or too wet and now he missed it more than ever.

By looking at the colour of the sky he established that it must have been between five or six-am and taking a walk around the base to kill some time before the mission briefings started couldn’t do any harm. Helmand was hot, but at this time of the morning it compared to a spring London day, his mind drifted: It was a sunny afternoon in Hyde Park and Julia and himself were walking together, their entangled hands hidden from the sight of the public by his coat pocket. It was the early evening, and so the volume of people was minimal, but the couple decided that it was probably the best idea to take no chances – that had been until Julia decided to rest her chin on his shoulder and talk to his ear as they weaved in and out of the trees. 

David smiled as he closed his eyes against the dust plume that expanded over his face. Thinking about the time difference he knew that Julia would be up, it would be twelve-am and it was the annual Conservative Party Gala, he laughed and thought back to their last phone call where she had nothing good to say about it. He chuckled to himself as he thought about the choice words she’d had when describing how Theresa May thought it was ‘cool’ to have a karaoke bar – bloody twat, was what Julia had said. He knew that she’d be awake. 

It was then that he missed her the most. He missed her witty humour, the way the left side of her mouth quivered as she tried to keep a straight face when telling a funny story, the way she smiled whenever he entered the room – he knew he’d miss her, but he couldn’t have anticipated that it was going to be this much. 

His hand went instinctively to his waistband, the sat-phone feeling heavy in his hand, but he still unclipped it, raised the aerial and dialled the number, her number, that was proudly ingrained into his mind. It rang three times and then her voice came flooding through – you have reached the phone of the Right Honourable Julia Montague, MP. I’m currently unavailable, so please leave a message, and expect to be contacted by myself or a staff member at the Home Office within three working days. David tired not to let his disappointment hit him too hard, phone calls like this happened more often than he liked. He knew she was busy, and quite frankly so was he – this morning stroll being his only break of the day – and so he waited for the beep to come before he left a message. 

When he put the phone down a heaviness came over him – one that he’d never felt before. The camp was deserted, no one else was stupid enough to walk around the base at a time like this, and he liked the solitude, but he felt alone, and it was something he now wasn’t used to. 

This tour wasn’t the same as last time. Before, he had left Glasgow airport and not looked back. He was hungry for the job, every aspect of the Army excited him; how that had changed when he returned. He wasn’t in a relationship so, he returned to a cold and empty home while the rest of his unit went home to their families and wives. This time was different. This time he had someone to return to, he had someone that was at home waiting for him, and that, in some way, helped the time go quicker, but God he missed her like hell.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The phone buzzed, it wasn’t a call, so she ignored it. Rolling over into the cold and empty side of the bed she sighed, her eyes still closed. She’d noticed that she’d been sleeping less, and it wasn’t doing anything to help her work ethic. It was slowly becoming apparent that she didn’t just want David to sleep with her, she needed him to.

Taking a deep breath, she let her eyes open before she rolled over to grab her phone, her arm reluctant to come out from under the warm covers. She turned it on and saw a voicemail from a number that wasn’t saved, he’d specifically asked her not to, so it didn’t compromise the mission, but was familiar to her. Her heart jumped as a small smile spread across her face. She hit speaker and closed her eyes: 

“Morning love, sorry that I didn’t catch you before you fell asleep. Yesterday was pretty hectic, we’re making progress and they think that we’ll be on our way home this week! I’m telling you now because I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to talk before we leave for home – sorry again for it being a week since I last called – trust me, I hate it just as much as you, but we’re nearly at the end and I’m so excited to see you! Hope the UK hasn’t gone to complete and utter shit – you promised, remember, - but I love you, never forget that. I’ll speak to you soon.”

Julia laid there and let it play until she’d lost count of how many times, she’d pressed hash. Each time he said ’Morning love’ her lip quivered more as she let her free hand compromise the space, he normally occupied beside her. A tear reluctantly rolled down her cheek and soaked into her ruffled hair that was sprawled across the white pillow – god she missed him. 

Her finger moved to his icon on the phone, a picture of them in Hyde Park last spring, he looked happy, and she smiled. Her thumb grazing the screen and finishing over the call button. She knew she shouldn’t – he was probably busy – but something inside her made her do it. The repeated ringing sounded through the silent room, she’d forgotten that she’d left it on speaker, and she tensed, still not acclimatised to life alone in her apartment. All the years away from Roger making her feel strong on her own, then one bloody Scotsman comes in and infiltrates her life and now she felt strong, yet alone, all at the same time.

The phone felt heavy in her hand as his voice filled the room. “Juila! Hey! You’re awake!” God, she missed that accent. “I have about twenty minutes till I have to go, you’re timing is perfect.” She stayed silent, for the first time that she could remember she had no idea what to say to him. “Julia, is everything alright? Are you there?”

“Yeah, yep I’m here.” Her voice breaking as she struggled to push the upset out of her voice – she hadn’t ever cried this often over anything.

David took a second to reply, Julia knew that he too was trying to compose himself, his initial excitement now fading away. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, London is still in one piece as it stands.” She tried to crack a joke, but her voice didn’t allow for the humour to travel. She sighed, a frustrated sigh, and he heard it.

“I miss you.” He said quietly through the silence, the bedroom she was laying in instantly feeling cooler. “I miss you a lot, but we only have to do this for one more week. Just think, this time next week you’ll be back to getting mad at me for leaving the milk out, and I know how much you looove that.”

Julia giggled over her sob. “yes, yes you will.” There was a pause as she sat up, hugging the duvet around her a little tighter. “What’s it like out there?”

“You mean the heat or war? Because quite frankly war is boring, the weather is way more exciting.”

Julia rolled her eyes as she positioned the phone between her ear and her shoulder as she pushed herself out of the bed and walked over to the chair that David’s cardigan, the same one that she wore the night he left, was laid. She slid it over her shoulders and pulled it tighter around herself as she heard him talk about all the dust storms and how they had to clean the vehicles and the guns twice as much, so they didn’t jam up. “Hmm,” she found her voice now it felt like she was consumed in him, even if it was just something that belonged to him. “sounds like you’re having a whale of a time.”

“It’s nice to see that you don’t miss me so much that you forget that half our relationship is built on sarcasm.” There was a burst of laughter from the speaker, she easily singled out his soft giggle from the others she heard and smiled. She would never understand what he went through the first time, but she was happy that this time he was faring better.

“You sound happy.” Julia said softly as she poured a healthy amount of water into her mug, the tea bag swirling around. She glanced over to the other counter – the milk sitting where he usually left it and a muffled giggle escaped from her mouth.

David took a second to listen to her, he could hear her making the tea and he knew what she was laughing at. “It’s a bloody good place to leave it, isn’t it?” They both laughed, and he felt, for a moment, that he was in the room with her. “And, I guess you could say that I am happy. Maybe this idea of yours of sending more specialised soldiers out to carry out shorter missions was a good idea.” He waited, with a smile, for the reaction he knew she’d give.

Julia pulled the cardigan tighter round her waist as she picked up the mug, taking a delicate sip as she moved swiftly through the cold empty apartment, before finally ending up on the sofa with her legs tucked up beside her. “I said that because I thought it would’ve been the one way to keep your Scottish-ass here, look how that turned out.”

Another ruckus filled the speaker – more laugher. “I want you to stop blaming yourself, you did your job and I’m not sure that I ever did apologise for the way I spoke to you – I didn’t mean it. Really, I was scared and –“  
“I know, but I should have told you – we both messed up – but, I don’t want to talk about it over the phone, we can talk about it when you get back. That sound like a deal?” Julia was only half reading the newspaper as she spoke, something about this whole situation felt very domestic, like they were two normal people, and she was on the phone to him as he worked behind his desk in one of the swanky buildings in Canary Wharf.

“It does sound like a deal. I can’t wait to-“ A loud sound of commotion washed through the speaker on Julia’s phone. “Look love, I’m so sorry I gotta go – the mission never waits… I’ll try and get a message to you when I get back to base, If not I’ll see you in a week. I can’t wait – I love you! BYE!”

And as quick as that Julia was once again left alone in the cold room. A week suddenly felt years away, and the fact that he was now charging straight into the danger didn’t exactly put her mind at ease. Somehow it was okay when he was running at bullets here, but she was beside him, as she knew that if anything happened to him, she was there to do something. But now, now he was 4,446 miles away and that was heightening her anxiety. She knew that he was one of, if not the best – her bias making a brief smile appear on her face as she thought about tearing that uniform off him – but still, things happened out there, and it was one of the reasons she’d made her vote in the first place. Somehow everything came back to politics, and she was getting bloody sick of it.


	5. Will You...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David's on his way home, and Julia is getting more excited as each hour passes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that has read and left comments on this story - it means a lot. Hope you Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!! xoxo Freya.

The sky was grey and thundery. Julia walked out of her apartment with her usual nine trillion bags and Kim at her heel. It was getting tedious: waking up in the morning to a cold and empty bed; showering alone in a cold bathroom; eating breakfast alone in a cold kitchen – she needed him home and yet she couldn’t voice it to anyone. 

Thunder struck again, and she pulled her scarf ever closer to her neck, the early London weather really was waiting for no one today. After dumping her bags into the seat beside her, Julia slid in and Kim closed the door behind her. She still wasn’t used to Kim’s methods, after becoming so accustomed to the way David did things. He had a methodical mind and it translated onto his work. Julia could plot each moment he’d change his search sweep; the way he’d jump slightly every time someone spoke through his ear piece. She smiled to herself, finally realising that she didn’t just notice these things because they had worked together for so long, but because the way he did things interested her. 

Thinking back to the day they met, everything couldn’t have turned out in a different way. After their initial bickering, the lack of communication between them, all given away to something that was as sweet and soft and deep as their current relationship. Julia smiled into the work she was supposedly ‘completing’ in the back. Her mind wandered back to David, and the way that he searched the streets as they travelled to the Home Office, and observed Kim. 

She was not a bad PPO, now that was something that Julia could fight for, but she would admit that there were some habits she wished she didn’t have. Maybe it was because she was her first PPO and when the constant protection started, Julia just assumed that that was protocol. However, now she had experience on the way that different officers work, and even though she was obviously biased, she preferred David’s.

“Ma’am,” Kim started, looking in the mirror for Julia’s nod of approval. This was one of the habits she wished she didn’t have – she was so used to David being confident enough to just speak his mind and worry about the consequences later. Julia looked up and raised her eyebrows. “any news as to when PS Budd will be returning?”

A warmth spread through Julia. It wasn’t a sexual desire, but something that resembled comfort. She wanted him beside her now, but just talking about him made her excited as to his imminent return. “His flight is early in the morning tomorrow I’ve been told,” A lie, no one knew that they’d been having weekly phone calls since he left. “I assume it’s because of the time difference over there.”

“Very good, Ma’am. I assume that you are looking forward to his return.” Kim’s shoulders were tight, Julia reading that she was uncomfortable on talking about the topic – ‘weird’ Julia said to herself, after all, David and Kim were good friends.

“If by looking forward to, you mean me having to put up with his phone ringing as we travel around the city, or the way he doesn’t bloody shut up asking questions – then yes, I guess I am.” A laugh went around the car, but it definitely wasn’t one of humour, but more of an awkward anxiety filled laugh.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Her office was dark when she walked in. Unlike normal, she walked passed the blinds to the glass panels that overlooked the corridor and left them closed. Her ministerial box being dumped on one of the chairs sitting opposite to her desk, and a loud sigh escaping from her mouth as she took a seat on her chair. 

Glancing at the to-do list left over from yesterday, she rolled her eyes. There was so much to be done and yet all she wanted to do was sit around and do nothing. For months she had felt like this, but then again, he had been gone for months. The nights felt longer, not just because she wasn’t sleeping well, but because she found herself working later and later to keep her mind ticking over, her brain never aloud to rest because every time it did, she thought about him; she also woke up earlier. There had been no need for an alarm since he’d left. Each day she would wake with a start, still expecting for him to be there snoring lightly, his dark curly hair tousled across the pillow. She missed that feeling. The way that she’d wake up from a panicked nightmare, and even if he didn’t wake up, she felt safe enough to return to her slumber but just resting her head against his chest.  
Pulling herself away from her daydream, Julia picked up her pen and pressed it into the paper. At first, she was unsure as to why she did it, but then as her mind returned to ‘work mode’, she got back into the swing of thing.  
A few hours later she was still sat at her desk. Her shoulders ached from slumping over her computer, and her hands ached from the notes she had taken from a skype meeting she’d had with the PM. All she wanted was a glass of wine and to watch some trashy TV show to make her mind switch off. The blinds were still closed, and the desk lamp was the only thing illuminating the dark room, especially now the winter was in full swing.  
Suddenly, her desk phone screamed into life. Julia tensed, her pen darting across the page creating a line over her notes. She sighed with irritation and pulled the phone to her ear. “Rob, for fucks sake I thought you said that Tahir was going to be checking over this speech. I know he’s off today but the conference is next week, how many times do I have to tell you – I don’t have time to be-“ she stopped. The sounds she was hearing weren’t ones she recognised from Rob’s office. Her pulse quickened.

“Evening, Home Secretary.” Her shoulder relaxed, and she leaned back into her chair as her cheeks flushed. “busy day has it been for ya?”

“Normally I would have killed anyone who called my office at this time of night.” She spoke quietly, not because she had to, it was late at night and many of the workers in the office had left for home.

“If this is a bad time I can-“

“No!” she said quickly, almost two quickly. She lurched from her chair, and slowly began pacing as she spoke. “I- I just didn’t expect it to be you calling at this time.”

“Aye, the time difference is still getting to me too.” There was a break in conversation, and for the first time, Julia felt uncomfortable. 

“David, is everything alright?” she queried, her hand instinctively going to her mouth as she chewed on her lip.

“Yeah love, I’m fine. I’m just tired and I want to come home. I just called because of how I left our last phone call. I wasn’t able to get to a phone until now, and I know it could have waited until tomorrow when I get home, but it’s been a long day and I just wanted to hear your voice.” He sounded rough, warn down, his accent raspy against his tiredness, and Julia just wanted to reach out and hold him in her arms.

“I know the feeling.” There was a long pause, them both alone thousands of miles apart, but content with then being together through the phone. “You don’t sound as happy as before, everything alright?”

David didn’t answer straight away, and Julia noted that there was no background noise coming through the speaker – he was alone, and there was only one reason for that. “Errrm, not really, love.” He sighed loudly, and Julia imagined him running his hands through his (probably) matted mane. “We lost a member of the team today. There was a convoy explosion about ten miles from the base, the rest made it, thankfully – a few of them with extensive burns – but, the rest are doing fine. We’re so far from the action though, I don’t know how they would have been planted without us seeing them.”

“Sometimes accidents happen.” She felt a tightness in her throat, and instantly regretted what she had said. It was her fault that that soldier had died, and hearing someone that she loved more than anything else in the world be less than twenty miles from where it happened, grieving over the death of a fellow comrade, broke her heart. “David, I don’t know what to say.”

“No, oh Julia I didn’t mean for this conversation to go in this way.” The tone of his voice had changed, she knew he was forcing it… for her. “Listen love, I know it’s late over there and I’m sure that you’ve been working non-stop – just because I’m not following you around each day doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how you think.” She laughed, the tightness from before still paralysing her diaphragm. 

“I do miss you, I say it all the time David, but I do.” She managed to say before her brain shifted gears. She was now thinking about how this was the last time she’d have to speak to him on the phone, for he was flying home in a few hours and this time tomorrow he would be walking into the apartment. 

“I know you do, and I miss you a lot too. It all seems so silly now when I think about how I reacted when I found out that I was going. This was the mission I had expected my last tour to be like, but although I have enjoyed it, it has made me realise how much I actually do enjoy my job working for the MET and… with you.”

Julia smiled to herself as she returned to her seat and took a sip of her stone-cold coffee. She pulled a face into the mug. “It sounds like you’ve found yourself again, and truthfully, I didn’t expect you to sound so happy while you were out there.”

“Neither did I, that’s why I’m so confused.” The tone of his voice changed, and she wasn’t sure why. He sounded more timid, more shy, and although it reminded her of how cute he sounded sometimes – she laughed to herself, she couldn’t believe that her internal monologue had called the strongest man she knew ‘cute’. “So, I’ve been thinking about you – obviously – a lot. Things out here are crazy and ma mates are always talking about how they miss their girlfriends, and wives, and families and this is the first time that I’ve been able to join in in a conversation like this – obviously, not telling them that you’re the Home Secretary, but you know what I mean. That’s why I wanna know if you want to move in with me.”

The line went silent, the same warmth from earlier spreading over Julia’s stomach. “Yes!” she exclaimed a little too loudly as she heard him laugh from the other end of the phone. “Yes, David. Yes, I do.”

“Good, phhheww.” They both laughed, they both knew that this was the happiest they’d both felt in the whole time that he had been away. “errm, there’s also something else…” 

“Something else?” She questioned, her happiness now converting into a frown. “If it’s about people knowing, well I’m sure that we’ll find a way around it. I-“

“If I’m being honest love, I hadn’t even thought about that. But I errrm, I have been thinking about this, and I know that it may be too soon, but we have been together in secret for a while now… and you know how much you mean to me and I…. Julia I’m asking if you want to marry me. I know that it’s very soon, and we’re keeping our relationship on the down low, and I haven’t even got a ring – this really is spur of the moment, and i-“

“David.”

“I am so sorry that this isn’t some fancy proposal with a beautiful ring but i-“

“David!”

“what?” Both of their rooms fell silent. 

Julia was sat there, her hand wrapped tightly around her desk chair arm, but she didn’t know. Her eyes were fixed on the one personal effect in her whole office, the one picture of the lavender bush from her kitchen window sile; the same picture she had as he phone wallpaper; the same picture that no one knew the significance of other than her, and the same lavender bush David got for her as a joke after their first ‘date’. The warmth felt like fire in her now. She hated the idea of a big proposal and felt guilty when she thought back to how Roger had proposed. She realised that a big gesture wasn’t something that she’d wanted. But this, this small question over the phone, with him being over four-thousand miles away, made her realise that this time it was going to work. This time there wasn’t going to be any law suits and big divorce pay-outs. She was going to be with him, every day for the rest of her life, and she couldn’t think of any better way of spending it. A huge smile spread across her face, she was now sure of the rest of her life, and so she answered. “Yes.”

She heard a sigh of relief flood through the speaker, followed by his soft, but undeniably happy, giggle. “God, you took so long that I thought you we’re going to hang up, and when I came home my stuff was going to be left behind the bins.”

“Oh, don’t be daft. I would have at least got one of the officers to drop them off at your house.” They both giggled, it felt strange being so far away from each other after such a tender moment. 

There was a hum of commotion from David’s side of the line – Julia felt her heart sink just a little – she knew what it meant. She heard him reply in a formal tone to a voice she didn’t recognise before he started speaking. “Look love, i’ve gotta cut this short. We’ve gotta start packing up so we’re ready to leave tomorrow evening. We’re so nearly there, and I can’t wait to see you - it’s so close.”

“I suppose I better go too, Kim’s gunna kill me for staying here so late.” They both held the silence for a second, both reluctant to be the one to initiate the end of the call.

“Yeah, well, it’s weird to say it but I’ll see you tomorrow.” David said, Julia could hear that he was already moving in a crowd, but she couldn’t place exactly where he was.

“You have no idea how good feels to hear you say that. I better let you go, I love you.” She said, her heart was slamming against her chest as she thought about how she was now technically engaged, but her throat felt tight because she had to say goodbye to him for one last time.

“Tomorrow.”

She smiled as she begun packing up her bags. “Tomorrow.”

“I love you.”

“Bye.”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The music was slamming at the same as her heart. It was a busy night in the bar, and it felt strange to be surrounded by so many people at one time. With the PPOs out in the support vehicle across the street, Julia finally felt like she could let her hair down. 

For the past six months she had struggled to keep the country afloat. The referendums hitting the Tories hard, but somehow, she was still thriving. She’d almost made it through twenty-eighteen, now that new year was coming ever closer; but, most importantly, she’d made it through six months without him. 

It felt like years had gone past since she’d last seen him. She expected for him to walk in to the apartment later with his dark hair all tousled, unshaven and his eyes heavy from traveling. She smiled into her drink as she thought about how good it was going to feel being able to finally hold him in her arms again. The way that her fingers would feel as she held them against his cheeks. The way his lips would feel against hers, but most importantly how his weight would feel on top of her. 

The bar tender was working double time as the bar seemed to get busier as the hours passed. Julia didn’t mover from her seat at the bar, but her colleagues had seemed to have drifted off, she hadn’t noticed until one of her female aides came and sat beside her. “Everything alright, Ma’am? Can I get you another round?” she was shouting over the music, and clearly drunk – no surprise for an early New Year’s party.

Julia looked at her half glass of wine, then back to the woman sat beside her. “I’m actually alright thank you.” She replied with a smile.

“Alright, Ma’am.” The woman said as she ordered something at the bar. Before she left, she turned to Julia and quietly said, “there’s a man in uniform walking towards you.” 

Julia’s heart lurched. She sat still, unable to take her eyes off the female aide that had now disappeared off into the dancing crowd. She sat there frozen, waiting.

“Evening, ma’am.” The voice was strong and Scottish. Her hear leaped as she slowly turned around. She took a deep breath to speak as she took one last mouthful of wine before she reached him. 

“Oh,” she said, her heart instantly sinking. In front of her was a man stood in smart black trousers and a shirt, across the chest it read ‘COMD Daniels’ – she instantly felt confused. “You weren’t who I was expecting.” She giggled into her glass as she took another sip, the liquid now tasting bitter and unsavoury. She placed it down beside her.

The voice came again, slightly louder – she was confused as to how she was able to confuse it with David’s. “Ma’am, I was hoping that I would be able to have a word with you outside?” He held up a case file as she nodded and pushed herself down from the stool.

The air outside was icy, the sky was still dark and the cardigan she was wearing wasn’t putting up a good fight. When she took a step out, she watched Tom Fenton make eye contact with her, his eyebrow raised from inside the support vehicle, to check that she was okay. From the other side of the road she nodded then turned to face commander Daniels who had led her out. “Is everything alright commander?”

“Ma’am, I’m not going to beat around the bush, I hope you don’t mind me getting straight to the point, I know this is your time out of the office.” His weight didn’t change, he stood there squarely, towering over her.  
“It’s quite alright, now how can I help you?” she started running her hand up and down her arm, goosebumps already starting to form from the cold.

The commander took a breath and continued in his formal Scottish tone: “I have been in touch with Sergeant Budd’s reporting officer and come baring something for you.” Julia took it and placed it under her arm so that she could continue to insulate herself as she let him continue. He took a deep breath, and finally shifted his weight – her heart started to race, and she was unsure why.

“Ma’am, I regret to have to inform you that we’ve had news about the convoy… we have information that it had been infiltrated by some rogue ISIS soldiers, and we lost contact.”

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Julia was confused. “Commander, I don’t understand what you’re saying. Are they okay? What actually happened?”

The Commander took a deep breath again. “Ma’am-“

“Quit it with the ‘ma’ams’ and tell me what happened.” Her voice becoming more impassioned.

“The convoy hit an IED that had been placed by the enemy insurgents. We sent an information jet over when we lost contact and it was unable to identify any survivors. The search team that reached them found that all four officers in the convoy had died and collected any personal effects that survived the blast. Inside that file Ma’am are the dog tags of Sergeant David Budd, we thought that you, being the person, he had listed as his emergency contact, would be the one to receive them. There is also a contact number for the deployment agency that will call you when any of his things from the camp become available. Again, Ma’am, I am so sorry for your loss.” And with that he saluted her, and then turned on his heal and made his way back down the street.

Julia stood there in silence. The beat of the music within the bar pulsing though the walls out into the depths of the icy night. The cardigan now falling away from her mid area as she took the folder in both her hands. She felt nothing but the weight of the paper folder between her fingers. She slowly undid the clasp, unaware that both Tom and Kim had gotten out of the car and were walking in the direction of her. It was like a sensory overload, but at the same time Julia felt like she was submerged underwater but completely able to breathe. Her surroundings fell silent, and now it was just her and his name on the folder. 

Her fingers were shaking but her mind was so blank she hardly noticed. She slid her finger under the join and the file opened exposing the metal at the bottom. Reaching down, the metal was cold as she touched it, she winced, not because it was sharp but for what it stood for. This was the last thing that he had come into contact with; the last thing that had touched his chest, and the last thing that let go of the heat his body gave off.  
The paper slid out of her hand and was carried down the street by the wind, it was gone, and she was left with two metal plates and a chain sat in the cup of her hand. Only now did her throat start to tighten; only now did her hands start to violently shake; only now did she feel like she was suffocating. Tears tumbled down her face as she stared at the cold, hard metal that was sitting in her hands.

In that moment she thought of him. She thought about Thornton Circus, the way his hand reached out for hers as he told her that everything was going to be alright. The way the blood almost stuck them together, and the way that he never let his eyes leave hers. 

She thought of St. Matthew’s, the way he ran to her. Calling her name to run. The panic and fear in his eyes. She knew that if he would have called it a second later, she wouldn’t have survived. Then the way he crawled to her, uncaring that his head was gushing blood – just focused on whether she was okay or not.

Her mind then moved on. She thought of the way he held her for the first time, the way his chest rose and fell as he hugged her for the first time; the way his lips felt for the first time; the way his strong hands moved for the first time.  
Then finally she thought of him in bed the last morning they had together. The way his dark curls were littered across the white pillow. His unshaven skin rough against her delicate fingers. She thought of how he smiled at her for the last time, the way he giggled as she realised the milk was left on the side – the milk, the fucking milk. 

Only was it then she let out a sob. Soft and light at first as she squeezed the dog tags between her fingers until her knuckles went white. Then they grew stronger. Each one bubbling up and escaping from her mouth, now painfilled howls as she begun to double over. His laugh echoing in her ears, his smile flashing over her eyes that were forced shut.

Kim and Tom now arriving at her side, she ignored them. Her eyes opening only to read what was on the tags: “SGT. David Budd, 4th Battalion for HMS Royal Army, Platoon 9 – specialist marksman.” Kim spoke first, her hand reaching out for Julia’s shoulder: “Ma’am?”

Raising her eyes, Julia swallowed a sob. “It’s… It’s… It’s…” she stuttered, “It’s not fair.” She managed before the sobs grasped her again. The sounds of the outside world now blurring into one again as she closed her eyes and let her chest heave.

He was there in his shirt and tie, standing in her living room, her ministerial box in his hand with a beaming smile on his face. The sun was shining though the windows casting a heavenly glow across him. He looked happy, like he didn’t have a care in the world. He slowly started walking towards her, the whole thing unfolding like a Hollywood movie in her mind, she didn’t want this dream? Hallucination? to end. “Promise me you won’t let the UK go to shit when I’m gone.” He said to her, his accent as smooth as the last time she’d heard it in person. She then heard her own voice play though her mind: “only if you promise to come back.” She heard his giggle and then: “I promise.”

Julia slowly opened her eyes, huge tears tumbling down her face as she looked at Tom, and then at Kim. “It’s David,” her voice breaking even just saying his name, “He’s not coming back.”


	6. Amongst The Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the news of David, Julia must come to terms with the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the amount of hate from the LODM group chat, here is now THE FINAL ending to this story. I hope it was better than the one I was going to leave it on. Enjoy, Freya xoxo

Weeks had past. Things hadn’t settled down and everything was still up in the air. Julia had almost got into a fight over her choice to take some time off. After all, no one knew about her relationship with David. She was alone, and there was no one she could open up to about the way she was feeling. 

For hours one night she had called all the most important members of her team to her office. They sat in the conference room as Julia explained that she was going to take a leave of absence, she didn’t disclose the full reason – a death in the family – it was all she could say. They all agreed that her spending time away from the office was what she needed; she would still work, her folders retiring to her apartment with her, but she just wouldn’t come into the Home Office for an extended time in the foreseeable future. 

The lack of human contact was something she thought she wanted as soon as it all happened. Her heart heavy as she slowly moped around her apartment for hours on end. The curtains stayed closed, the bed unslept in as she felt like everything that surrounded her reminded of him. Late at night, way after midnight, her mind would race. Her hand now spending the majority of its time attached to the metal, his metal, that now hung around her throat. His dog tags being the only thing that made it still feel like he was close to her. 

The moonlight was streaming through the gaps in the curtains, she was now to lazy to walk over and pull them closed. Padding out of the bedroom she found herself standing in the kitchen, now unsure as to how she ended up there. One moment she was standing under the cold shower – her eyes closed, and her head pressed against the tiled wall – the water so cold that even though she had only been standing under it for less than five minutes, her body was already shaking. She wanted to feel something. For weeks she’d felt nothing. It was like the first initial seconds when the file was given to her before the pain hit.

It was pain like she had never felt before, something striking her so deep that it felt like someone had passed a hot iron straight through her chest. That pain had faded after a few days, around the time that the numbness came back was the time that she realised that she needed to take her foot off the gas. Take some time to actually process what had happened, rather than box it away and try and move on as if nothing had happened – he meant way too much to her for that.

Her hands were sat squarely on the kitchen counter top, the granite cold, yet sturdy, below her finger tips. She was in a pair of comfy trousers, one of his t-shirts and the cardigan she was wearing the day he left – the last time she saw him. He was alive, breathing, smiling – happy.

Her hands slid up to her face and she leaned forwards, her elbows digging into the corner of the counter, pain shooting up her arms as her fingers gripped onto her greasy matted hair. It felt nice to feel something. She took a few breaths, but slowly the sobs came again. Each one building stringer and stronger until thick tears were rolling down her cheeks. Her hand releasing her hair and residing over her mouth to quieten her howls. Her chest heaved harder and harder. Her legs giving out as she slowly sunk down until her head was buried in her knees. Her cries came over and over, her hands clenching the metal at her throat. Every moment they spent together flashing in front of her eyes. Her brain so tired, her body so physically and emotionally drained that she wasn’t able to focus on any of them, they passed so quickly, and she desperately tried to grasp onto them, scared that if she didn’t, he’d be lost from her mind forever. 

Suddenly, there was a crash outside. Julia held her breath, her hand forced over her mouth to stifle any sound that she may have given out. Her chest still painfully heaving, but her mind was now distracted. Her eyes began darting round the room, fear pulsing through her as she tried to work out what it could possibly have been.

Pushing herself up from the floor, she pulled the cardigan closer, it bringing a new warmth, as well as a surge of protection and security – his security around her. The tags jingled as she rose, her hand returning to her chest to silence them, the carved metal of his name digging into her fingertips. She didn’t stand full, fear causing her to stay hidden behind her kitchen island, David’s voice echoing in her ear – ‘stay down ma’am, you’ll be alright. You’re doing great, Ma’am. You’re doing great.’

The noise came again, then scratching. It sounded like someone was out dragging the bins into the street. Her heart started to race again; ever since he’d left, she felt more vulnerable. All she wanted to do was run into his arms, so she could feel safe again. The noise came again, closer, closer, closer until a jangling stopped her in her tracks. Her eyes squinted together as she tried to drown out all the sounds. It kept coming, closer and closer. Her back pressed against the cupboards painfully so she was out of sight if the person did manage to get into her house – ‘where were the bloody police officers?’ she asked herself. The sound of a key sliding into the lock and the handle being pulled dragged Julia back to real time, she was either going to have to run now, or put up a fight. 

The cardigan fell off one of her shoulders as she reached up to the draw, a long cooking knife being clenched in her shaking hands as she rose. Now fully standing as the figure closed the door quietly, a huge bag being released off their shoulder as they reached down and undid the laces on their trainers. The room was so dark, but it didn’t help that Julia’s heart was slamming so fast that her eyes couldn’t focus. The figure rose then leaned over to turn on the lights.

Julia gave an audible intake of breath as she squinted her eyes, the light hurting as it reached her. The figure spun on his heal and their eyes met. Julia stood there, her hands falling to her sides as a feeling of something she had never felt before washed over her. It felt like the pain she’d experienced earlier that evening, but then it felt like a stone had been placed on her chest. She was unable to speak, unable to breathe, only able to let a hand float up to her mouth, that was now hanging open.

There he was, her heart and soul, stood before her. His dark hair now longer, the curls a halo in the room’s illumination. His skin, tanned, but not burnt but the perfect golden colour, the lower half of his neck revealing the space where his t-shirt had shielded his delicate skin from the harsh sun. His beard, not stubble, but also not full length – just the way she liked it when he wasn’t on duty. She took him all in. He looked stronger, healthier, and somehow obviously unhurt. Her brain started whirling as her eyes frantically started scanning him. His body frozen, him also in shock that she was standing opposite him. Her legs started her forward; she wasn’t taking steps, they were more like stumbles as the knife clattered to the floor. A sound escaping from her lips as the sobs started again: “ohhhhh”.

He watched her come to him. He watched the way the tears slid down her face, the way her body seemed weak and frail – she was definitely slimmer. His arms raised slowly to accept her into his arms, her face fitting perfectly into the crack of his neck – just the way it always used to. He heard her sobbing, deep and heavy cries into his jumper as his hands slid up her back and found the back of her head. David’s arms grew tighter as his mind finally caught up with is body. His fingers stroking over and over her matted hair. Before he had even thought about fighting it, sobs were now escaping from his mouth. Tears slid down his face as he pressed his lips to her forehead.   
The pain he was feeling was a thousand times worse than home sickness. His chest so heavy that he couldn’t breathe, but still he hugged her tighter, eight months of separation being let out in the dimness of the room. He missed her so much. He missed the way she felt, the way she was the perfect height to let him rest his chin on her head, the way her hair always smelt, all the small things he’d missed since his departure.

It felt like they were standing there, holding each other for hours, so obsessed with keeping the other as close to the other as they were both in fear of them disappearing again. Finding the ability to swallow back a sob, David was the first one to speak. “I don’t know where to start.” He felt her whole-body clench. “Love, I am so sorry, I don’t know where to start.”

A silence filled the room, David returned his lips to her head as they swayed lightly. Her hands started to move, no longer by her sides, paralysed with shock. One hand snaked up around his back, the other resting in the centre of his chest. Her head shifted so that her face was no longer buried in his neck, but more so her cheek was against his chest – it was as if she was laying on top of him. She didn’t make a sound, nor did she even attempt to speak.  
David took another breath, his lips moving against her hair as he spoke, it was so quiet that only she would have been able to hear him, even if the room was full of people. “We had no choice.” He began softly, his Scottish tones shaking violently, full of emotion, but he soldiered on. “We’d been given some information that there was going to be an insurgent attack on the base. We didn’t know when, or how, but we knew it was happening. The only way that the insurgents could have found out about the location was there being a leak in our intelligence. We knew that if this mission was going to be a success – like it was – there was going to be collateral damage after it was over.” Julia shifted position as a sob hit her. Her diaphragm still convulsing sharply with each intake of breath, but she was no longer audibly crying. 

David swiped his hand over her hair and let it finish at the small of her back, his finger working in little circles, just the way he always used to: “the head of operations back here in London devised a tactical way that they could catch the insurgents, and find the leak, but it meant taking our whole team off the grid.” Julia pulled away, her hands staying on his chest, but she was now standing in front of him – her eyes searching his as tears continued to fall. He reached up and let his thumb slide softly over her cheek, clearing it of tears briefly before more came. He lifted her chin, so her eyes met his again. “We had to make it look like we had been killed, it was the only way to make sure that we caught the leak, and none of the team got hurt in the process.”

“Did you know before?” she croaked. Her throat was so tight she was struggling to breathe, let alone talk. As soon as she opened her mouth, she watched tears come to his eyes. The way his eyebrows pulled in tighter and his mouth parted ever so slightly. She raised her hand, so it was on his chin, his stubble feeling alien on her fingers.

He looked at her for a moment, then let his head hang down. His eyes closed, and he let out a little sigh. “Yes.”

Julia stepped away from him. She didn’t mean to, she didn’t want to, but she did. Her movement made his head shoot up to look at her; his curls moving as he did – another thing that was alien to her. Letting out a shaky breath her hand rose to her mouth. More tears spilled. “You didn’t,” she was fighting for control again. “You didn’t tell me.” Her voice was so weak it came out as a whisper. 

David took a step towards her but stopped when she moved away from him, his mind swimming with all the ways he could have done this better - a way he could have done it so it didn’t hurt her as much. “Love, I couldn’t say anything. I-“

“so,” she swallowed hard and began walking backwards, her mind starting to swim. “so, when you said to me that we were going to see each other the next day, it was a lie. You knew that were going to have to wait months to see each other again. You knew that eventually someone was going to come and have to tell me that you WEREN’T COMING HOME.” Her voice rose as all her anger and frustration and shock and sadness came spilling out. “Did you even stop and think about how it was going to affect me? The way that losing you was the one thing that I feared, because of how much you fucking mean to me? Did any of this cross your bloody mind before you asked me to move in with you? To fucking MARRY you, David?”

“Of course, it did!” His voice now raising. Not because he was angry, but because of how upset she was. His heart was screaming with pain as he watched the one person, he loved more than anything else in the world, fall apart right in front of him. He felt his heart shatter as he yearned for her to be in his arms again. “I told you all this because I wanted you to know how much I loved you, how much I cared about you, just in case the plan didn’t work the way we thought it would. For the whole time I was away it was you Julia. I fought for you,”

He started to walk towards her, she was now frozen in her place as it was now her observing him fall apart in front of her. “David, don’t.”

“I fought to keep you safe, to make the streets that you worked on, the ones that we drove down each day, safer for you. Everything I did, every bullet I fired, every solute I gave was for you!” He had reached her now, his hands holding hers. Her ring finger being held between his thumb and index finger. His voice went quiet as he spoke to her hands: “I did it because I knew that if I did, I was one task closer to coming home to you.”

Julia looked up from her hands, his eyes almost glowing in the dimness. Tears were sat in his eyes, and the way he was biting his lip, she knew he was fighting the urge to cry again. It was now that she felt something she hadn’t felt in months. Her hands left his and returned to his cheeks, the stubble still feeling strange. She smiled. It wasn’t big, but it was there. He did the same, a small soft smile spreading across his face. Her hands slid up behind his neck, her thumbs rubbing against his nape as she finally saw his face in the light. He looked tired, warn out, but definitely alive. 

Julia rocked up onto the balls of her feet, her body reacting to his in a way that was so familiar. Their lips touched, he smiled into her and she softened. The tension she had been carrying for the last seven months escaping from her body as if it was never there to begin with. 

David breathed her in. Every part of her moving like a symphony like it used to. They fell into their old rhythm: his hand at her waist, hers at the back of his neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss. Her fingers moving against the hair that now curled at the base of his neck. He had her pressed against the counter now, their lips fighting for dominance as the kiss progressed; their hands moving over their bodies, trying to make up for the time they had been apart.

Suddenly, David pulled away and looked at her. He scanned every inch of her face, and then let a full, genuine grin slide onto his face. “Could you make me a cuppa? I’m dying here.”

Without meaning to she let out a laugh. "Don't even joke." She didn’t care that he had ruined the moment, all that mattered now was that he was back and alive. She placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth and turned around to flick the kettle on. Looking at her elbow the milk was sat – something that was so significant was now there at that moment. She laughed out loud and turned to him. 

David was no longer standing behind her. He was down on the floor on one knee, a small maroon box open in his hands: “Let me try again.” Julia tried, but her hand was too quick to come to her mouth to stifle the sob that had escaped. This time it wasn’t a painful sob, but one she had been waiting for since the moment she had let herself accept that she was in love with him. “Julia Montague, would you do me the honour of –“

“Yes!” she dropped to her knees, she was the same height as him and pressed her lips to his. “Yes – yes – yes – yes!” Julia punctuated with kissed against his mouth, a smile beaming from both of their faces.

He held her face in his hands and rested his head against hers. Finally, he felt at home; finally, things felt right; finally, he was free, and he was ready to start the next chapter of his life with her, and only her. He opened his eyes to see her eyes searching his face. He giggled a little and took the ring out of the box and slid it onto her finger. “Ya see, I promised I’d come home.”


End file.
